Money, Bling Gats and Strippers

Stern Wants Players to Leave Guns at Home

Commissioner Not Convinced Guns Make People Safer

The story that followed was about how the commissioner of the NBA, David Stern, is getting concerned about how many NBA players are carring guns with them when they go out on the town. One of the things that brought this about was the Pacers' Stephen Jackson firing his gun five times into the air earlier this month in the parking lot of a strip club in Indianapolis.

Why on earth would anyone go to a place where they felt so unsafe that they felt they needed to bring a gun? What, these idiots don't have enough money to go to a high scale "gentlemen's" club? If I were rich, and wanted to see some booty (unlike now, where I'm poor and always want to see some booty), I sure wouldn't go to some scumbag strip joint where the performers aren't even worth watching.

Come to think of it, I actually went to a couple of strip joints in my youth, but they weren't unsafe. Unsavory, yes. Unsafe, no. Boring, pretty much. The beer was weak, the strippers were okay, and the places were dumpy. You sat there, drank some crappy near-beer concotion and stared. What a thrill. For about half an hour. Needless to say, the naked women were the best part. Until you realized that you looked like a complete moron sitting there with your mouth hanging open. Then.....well, you had to leave. You just had to.

You had run out of one dollar bills. And you needed to somehow regain that lost self respect.

The good thing about strip clubs is that you go to one or two....and your curiosity is pretty much satisfied. You've gone, seen a few naked ladies, had the experience and that's that. It's been over 20 years since I've been to one, and I haven't had the desire to try it again.

When we were still in Ohio, my wife even said I could go with a friend to the topless bar down the street (needless to say, I have a VERY cool wife) if I wanted to see what it was like. Pretty high quality place, too. To this day, I think she was surprised that I didn't take her up on the offer. I guess I'm not as much of a sex crazed maniac as I make myself out to be.

Boy, talk about digressing. Anyway.....I've never been a rich NBA star, but I have to imagine their preparations for going out on the town would read something like this:

Condoms (that won't be used anyway): check

Pistols/Revolvers: check

Bullets: check

Fifty Pounds of Gold Bling: check

Dime Bags of Marijuana: check

Escalade: check

Posse/Entourage/Hangers On: check

Bodyguards: check

Pager: check

Cell Phone: check

Phone Number Of Personal Lawyer: check

A few years back, there was a big scandal concerning a place in Atlanta called the Gold Club. It was basically a hedonistic retreat for professional athletes like the Braves' Andruw Jones and the Knicks' Patrick "We Spend More Money Because We Make More Money" Ewing. Basically, the athletes could get anything they wanted there, and often did. But at least they weren't taking target practice in the fucking parking lot.

And they probably got to do a lot more than sit there and stare. And no stale beer. They got the finest champagne. And valet parking for their 50,000 dollar rides.

Update: When I originally posted this, there had been some NBA-related incidents. But as we've discovered over the last couple of years, the NFL has really taken over the sport of champions for misbehaving athletes. I mean, who'd you rather have over
for dinner? Chris Paul or PacMan Jones?


(originally posted 10-26-2006)