Perspective

Sometimes you need a little dose of it.

I was pretty annoyed with how my boys in Cleveland blew the game today. They had it won and gave it away. I wasn't angry, just annoyed. The Ravens are an excellent team and we pushed them to the limit. Why us, though? Why do WE have to suck all the time? Why do things like this happen to OUR team????? Valid questions......

But then I heard about the QB for the Bucs, Chris Simms. Sometime during the game, his spleen was ruptured. The team figured he had injured his ribs, and he only missed two plays. After the game, he was rushed to the hospital and had emergency surgery to remove his spleen. And to top it off, he HAD injured his ribs as well earlier in the game and also had become dehydrated to the point where he needed an IV--that's when he missed the two plays.

The way our QB, Charlie Frye, was getting hit today, it easily could've been him. Or any quarterback, for that matter.

Some people have questioned Chris' toughness. I doubt THAT will continue after today. I've always liked Simms, and I always liked his dad, Phil. Good luck, Chris, and get better soon.

Yeah, we should've just kicked the field goal, taken the 3 points, and not try to score a touchdown on a pass that ended up getting intercepted. Yeah, we absolutely should've won. Horrible pass, and horrible play call. The Ravens should send our offensive coordinator a thank you card. He did his usual horrible job.

But I just don't feel that bad about the Browns losing anymore.

(originally posted 9-25-2006)

I Found It!

No, not my purpose in life. We all know that's a lost cause. I found the current version of Brownie The Elf. I knew I had the little bastard on my computer somewhere!

"My team bites!"

Shut up Brownie, you little bitch, or I'll send you to the North Pole to give Rudolph a hand job. Times are hard enough even without that kind of talk that! Maybe I'll just feed you to the badass bulldog!

You're a proud mascot, aren't you Mr. Bulldog? Want a Milkbone?

"Fuck you. Trade me to Minnesota!"

Listen assholes, you're MASCOTS. Try showing some fucking loyalty, you front running bastards! You know it's going to be a long season when the mascots want to be traded. Too bad. If I have to stay, YOU have to stay!

And I don't even WANT to hear from you, pal!

"I love you, you love me....."

Hey, elf porn!

(originally posted 9-18-2006)

Terrell Owens, Author

T.O. the AssHole has recently announced he would be writing a children's book. He's got a co-author to help him do such hard things as think and write. The book will be entitled "Little T Learns To Share". I really wish I were making this up. The book is about a little boy who realizes that he has to share his football with his friends if he actually wants to, you know, play football. I, for one, applaud T.O. If anybody should understand what it's like to be a miserable, selfish bastard, it's certainly him. It's nice that he wants children to grow up to be better than he is (yeah, big challenge THERE).

Anyway, I want to help T.O. with some suggestions for future books he might write.

"Little T Becomes A Little Locker Room Cancer";

"Little T Stabs Little Donovan In The Little Back":

"Little T Overdoses On Little Pain Medication";

"Little T Can't Play Nice With Other Little Children";

"Little T Shits On His Little Position Coach";

"Little T Shifts All The Blame Onto Others";

"Little T Gets Roasted By Little Eagle Fans";

"Little T Gets Round The Clock Coverage By Little ESPN";

"Little T Gives His Little Head Coach A Little Ulcer";

"Little T Can't Shut Up Even A Little";

"Little T Knows Drama Better Than Little TNT";

"Little T Whines His Way Out Of Little Philadelphia";

"Little T Sits On His Ass In Little Training Camp";

"Little T Jacks Off To His Own Little Picture";

"Little T Shreds His Quarterback In The Little Media";

"Little T Shoves His Head Up His Own Little Ass";

"Little T Loses His Little Perspective";

"Little T Demonstrates Sit Ups For Little Assholes";

"Little T Leaves His Career In Little San Francisco";

"Little T Explains Why It's All About Little HIM".

"Little T's Agent Says 'Next Little Question'";

"Little T Becomes A Self-Promoting And Self-Destructive Little Bastard";

"Little Coach Reid Tells Little T To Go Away".

"Little T Loves His Coke-Snorting Apologist, Little Michael Irvin";


(originally posted 10-16-06)

Laughing At The Tree

"My bark is worse than my bite!"

I WAS going to write and taunt fans of THE Ohio State about how my boys at USC would beat them in the championship game if they were to meet. But I'm not sure they would beat them and besides, what's more fun than laughing at the Stanford Mascot?

Oh please. Like I'm the first to make fun of this evil spawn of political correctness?

But fair is fair, and I offer something even dorkier than a tree. As a Browns fan, it pains me to do this, but......I present to you the Cleveland Browns elf. It's an early version, but close to what it looks like today. Personally, I prefer the bulldog, but hey, that's just me. And is this Snap, Crackle, or Pop?

"Go Buckeyes!"

Sorry Buckeye fans. That was wrong of me. Here's your REAL mascot!

"We hate Michigan for some reason!"


And here's ours.



"So noble, they named a condom after us!"

(originally posted 9-17-2006)

Federer Rules

Man, I'm still mad about that game.

Oh well. On to something better. Roger Federer winning the U.S. Open yesterday took a bit of the sting from the Cleveland Browns' impersonation of a group of girl scouts. And it was great seeing Sharapova win her 2nd slam. After Lindsay Davenport, Sharapova is a big favorite of mine.

I love Federer. Class guy, and what a game. It's a shame most people aren't paying attention to tennis. This guy will end up supassing Sampras' grand slam total if he keeps playing at this level. I guess we have to have obnoxious personalities like Connors and McEnroe playing to sell the game. That's a shame. I'd rather watch great tennis than some lunatic screaming at an official.

At least those of us who ARE watching know we're seeing history in the making. As for Roddick, I'm surprised he's even won one grand slam. Nothing against him, but his game is impossible to enjoy. It does look like Connors has improved has ground game and volley, though. But if your name isn't Nadal, you don't have a shot at beating Federer in a grand slam.

So it's nine grand slams and counting for Roger. Hopefully, we'll get a Federer-Nadal final in the Australian Open in January. Two great players, and two real gentlemen. I always root for Federer...but if Nadal wins, it's not exactly something that makes me cry.

You know, like my stupid football team. They've made me cry for 8 years.

And counting.

(originally posted 9-11-2006)

Open Letter To The Cleveland Browns

I guess I was a little upset when I wrote this after the opening game loss in 2006:

An Open Letter To The Cleveland Browns

Nice game assholes. At least we'll get the top pick in the 2007 draft.

Sincerely,

A Loyal Fan

P.S. Fuck you.

(originally posted 09-10-2006)

NFL Thoughts

1) Maurice Carthon is OUT as the Browns offensive coordinator as of today. He brought it on himself. Goofy trick plays that didn't work. Not allowing quarterbacks to audible--change the play call--at the line of ecrimmage if they saw the defense load up in the box. The lowest ranked offense in most categories in the AFC. Being such a arrogant putz to Trent Dilfer, we had no choice but to trade him to the 49'ers for Ken Dorsey and a 7th round pick. That fiasco at the end of the first half last year in Minnesota as he let time tick away at the end of the first half, even though he had a timeout available. Not playing Winslow on 3rd downs. Not playing 2006 draft picks Jerome Harrison or Travis Wilson. Trick passing plays on 3rd and inches.

So how DID Carthon get this job? He served as Parcells' offensive coordinator in Dallas. Parcells, however, didn't let him call the plays. That should tell you everything you need to know about his skill in this area. Carthon is extremely close friends with...drum roll please.....Browns head coach, Romeo Crennel. Crennel never should have hired him--at least in that capacity--but he did. And once he did, Crennel was in a horrible position. How do you fire a close friend? He should've asked himself that before he hired him.

Crennel stayed loyal and took a ton of flack for it. I respect that. What I don't respect is being subjected to this garbage for the past year and a half. I don't respect this crap of an offense I've seen for 21, 22 games. I don't respect an offense that can't muster a score until late in the 2nd quarter or the 2nd half. I don't respect the fact that Crennel said he was "bored" during the recent bye week and cleaned out his fucking basement. I don't respect the fact that Carthon didn't fall on the sword himself for his friend. I'm not saying Carthon doesn't have a place in this league. The former fullback has something to offer. Just not calling plays.

So why DID Crennel fire his buddy? Well....he didn't. And that's where the problems will start now. Browns owner Randy Lerner and general manager Phil Savage had simply seen enough. They pulled the trigger.

And now....no doubt there is a very unhappy head coach in Cleveland. Coaches in all sports don't like having ownership fire their coaches. It's okay if THEY do it, but when the front office steps in, they can't stand it. In most cases, I don't blame them. It really should be in their jurisdiction, so to speak. But if Romeo is pissed off enough to leave at the end of the season, I'll be more than happy to help him load up his U-Haul. This team has gotten considerably worse since last season, despite adding more talent and having Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow return. No, it's not a playoff team, but talent-wise, it isn't a 1 and 5 team either. Romeo can go back to walking Bill Billichek's dog in New England.

2) Bill Parcells has just created a mess. Tonight he benched Drew Bledsoe at halftime and put in the backup quarterback, Tony Romo. The fans cheered when this happened. They didn't cheer for long. On his first play, Romo went back to pass. It was batted at the line, intercepted, and returned for a touchdown. Romo might develop into a good NFL QB. But that offensive line couldn't protect Bledsoe, and it won't protect Romo. And despite stating he hasn't decided on a starting QB for next week, I can't see him going back to Bledsoe. He prefers Romo, and going back to Drew will do nothing but to divide the locker room even more. Parcells has thrown some gasoline onto an already existing QB controversy. Good luck if he expects an inexperienced QB to take them to the playoffs. Romo isn't Tom Brady. Should be an interesting season in Cowboy land.

3) I'd be shocked if Denny Green is still the head coach by the end of the season in Arizona. The Cardinals lost to the last winless team yesterday, the Raiders. If this team hasn't quit on Green yet, they soon will. I wouldn't blame them, either. Who fucking needs a head coach who pissed away the Chicago game and then threw them to the wolves? Blow off, Denny. I'm embarrasssed to admit that I actually used to like this jerk. Oh, the offensive coordinator he fired last Tuesday has filed a grievance to collect the rest of his contract. I hope he wins it.

4) A 62 yard field goal for Tampa Bay's Mike Bryant? And it looked like it could've gone 66 yards. Unreal.

5) Back to my team. Cornerback Gary Baxter blew the patallar tendon in his knee yesterday. Both of his knees. Is this team cursed or what????? How the fuck do you rehab something like THAT when both your knees are injured? I wouldn't expect him back till 2008. I've always liked Baxter, so I hope his rehab goes well.

6) The fact that a team can lose a game in overtime without touching the ball on offense is an absolute joke. College football decides overtime games much better.

7) Shawne Merriman, San Diego Chargers linebacker, has tested postive for steroids. He's been suspended for four games, pending his appeal. Of course, I'm sure it was a supplement like he's claiming. Yeah, a supplement. Uh huh. coughcoughbullshitcoughcough.

Update: Yeah, I think I just might've been wrong about the whole Tony Romo thing. Hey, I never said that I was Miss Cleo.


(originally posted 10-24-2006)